IS THAT A BABYRUTH?

Every day, Ellie likes to start off her day with a nice dump.  Every morning when I come in her room to greet her, she’s already had her morning poop.  But on this one particular day, the term “morning poop” would not do what I saw justice. 

First of all, when I walked into her room the stench overwhelmed me.  My knees buckled and my vision blurred.  Even though the curtains were shut and the room was dark, I acted as if there was a bright light.  I squinted my eyes and put my hand out as if to shield my eyes from the light.  After I waded through the dense hazy air to get to her crib, I noticed that she looked thinner.  She had an extra bounce in her step.  Did you lose weight? I thought.  When I opened her diaper you could hear shrieks.  Whatever was hiding in there, I had just let it out!  And what I saw was absolutely incredible.  How one little person can crap their entire body weight is beyond me.  Needless to say, it was not her typical morning poop.  She had somehow killed the devil in her sleep and trapped him in her diaper.  I was horrified and closed one eye trying to limit my view.  She had beets for dinner the night before, and it turns out they look the same coming out as they do going in.  I didn’t want to breathe through my nose or my mouth.  She smiled at me with pride though.  “I did that!  All by myself.”  Of course she felt good.  Why wouldn’t she after producing something like that?  Even after the clean-up, she desperately needed a morning bath.

She was so excited for her early morning bath.  Ellie loves bath time and this was like an unexpected treat.  She had her bath toys, Senchyou Captain (‘senchyou’means ‘captain’in Japanese.  So his name is ‘Captain Captain.’) the Walrus, and Tako no Kotarou the Octopus.  She splashed and clapped in the water and shrieked with delight.  She was all washed up and I was just getting ready to drain the tub when it started to happen.  The smile on her face turned serious and her eye brows furrowed.  This face looks familiar, I thought.  And then I noticed bubbles, and this was not a bubble bath.  But by the time I put two and two together, and before I could even think of what to do, she turned into an underwater soft serve ice cream machine.  AAAHHH!  It’s too early for Dairy Queen!  Didn’t you just empty your body with that last BM?  I immediately started to drain the tub before the water could break things apart too much.  And then I pulled Ellie out and wiped her off.  We could only stand there and watch as it was too late for Senchyou Captain, and Tako no Kotarou. 

As I was watching this lone turd slowly sink to the bottom of the tub, I was reminded of a story my dad would tell us as kids.  We were in elementary school when he first told us the story of Lester the Pool Pooper.  At his high school, the boys were required to swim in the raw.  Yes, naked.  Why?  I have no idea, and I don’t think he did either, but this was a different era.  But one day during the nude swimming class, Lester neglected to use the bathroom before class.  Not sure what he had for lunch but apparently nature was calling.  Well, he let one slip and with no swimsuit to act as a net, it got away.  They all stood at the edge of the pool and watched as what looked like a BabyRuth candy bar slowly sink to the bottom of the pool.

All the water had drained from the tub, and there it was.  I half expected to see it move on it’s own.  But it laid there, limp, soggy, and motionless.  Ellie looked up at me.  We just stared at each other silently for a while.  I didn’t know what to say, and then she smiled, clapped, and ran into her room.