BRUCE

Ever since my last stand off with the Reverse Tooth Fairy, I’ve been on my toes. I’ve been very watchful in anticipation of her return. I know it’s inevitable for her to return, but at least I can be prepared. This chick is getting pretty sneaky though. While I’ve been preoccupied looking out for her, she enlisted her older brother, Bruce the Molar King, to join her forces. This guy doesn’t let up and he’s just plain mean.

Bruce comes out of nowhere from behind and gives you an atomic wedgie and slaps you in the face. Before you have a chance to realize what just happened, he’s already tormenting your child. And he doesn’t let up either. Day, night, morning, evening, afternoon, it doesn’t matter. He works non-stop like a gorilla dentist that’s hopped up on Redbull. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have a degree to practice dentistry or fairy-ing. Not only does he wreak havoc, but he also disables all of your coping tools, too. Cheerios, Glee, Run DMC, water, and the Beatles, all useless! Is it possible Bruce is strong enough to destroy the magic of the Beatles!? To disable my go-to song that works 99% of the time!? The answer is yes. Yes he is. The big goon. I played the Beatles and Bruce just laughed. “Haha… Seriously? The Beatles? Nice try. You might as well have played Neil Diamond.” He broke my i-Pod in two and threw it back at me. Ellie just lied there on the floor whining, whimpering, and pawing at my pant leg. She didn’t realize I was useless in this fight against Bruce.

I suddenly realized I was in a real life version of the Devil Went Down to Georgia song, and I was losing! I didn’t play the fiddle but I had better learn quick. It’s not a good feeling being unable to soothe your misery ridden child. She wasn’t fussing for the fun of it. I knew there was a problem, but I couldn’t fix it. Don’t worry Ellie, dad isn’t giving up that easy! With all my typical moves being useless, I needed to get creative. And then I remembered Tylenol! I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before? Tylenol is like kryptonite for the RTF, it must work on Bruce, too!

As I started walking upstairs I could already hear Bruce getting worried. “Hey, where you going? What are you doing?” When he saw me reach for the bottle of Tylenol he started to plead with me. “Come on man, you don’t need to do this. I was just foolin’. Are you still mad about the wedgie? And the wet willie? I was just playin’.” I pulled the dropper out. “No PLEASE don’t! I’ll stop!” As I squeezed the dropper in her mouth Bruce knew he had been beaten. He was gone… for now.

Bruce just come on back if you ever want to try again.
I told you once, you son of a gun, I’m the best that’s ever been.