You ever just feel like whining? Well I do, and I’m going to. I think I’m reaching a wall. Or a box. Or a cage? Maybe it’s a postpartum winter baby blues thing for men. I don’t know. Wake up, change a poopy diaper, eat, feed, change a poopy diaper, play, read, repeat, repeat… repeat again… and again… and a g a i n… a n d  A G A I N….
I care, but I don’t care. As long as she’s not flipping out it’s ok. That’s my goal. If she’s not whining and pulling at my pant leg, then that’s all I care about. I discovered she likes to sit and watch Glee. She’ll sit there, still and quiet, and watch. I can leave the room, make a noise, it doesn’t matter. She’ll just sit there. And I let her. We don’t have cable or access to regular TV because we didn’t want to be sucked in to watching too much TV. And we especially didn’t want to be in the habit of having the TV on all the time with Ellie around. But we have a DVD player and a Netflix ready TV, which is like a poor man’s cable. And now that she loves Glee, I found my shortcut. I feel extremely guilty when I let her sit there, but then again, part of me doesn’t care. Oh, it’s over? Let’s sit and watch it again while both our eyes glaze over.
This winter has made me so lazy. I was so lazy that I skipped buying a donut because it was too far and too much of a hassle. The donut place is six blocks away. I don’t eat lunch because it’s too much effort. I already spend so much time making her food, and preparing dinner I don’t care about what I eat during the day. I usually scrounge for something. Anything to take the edge off. A plain cracker, or a spoonful of jelly, whatever. I’m even too lazy to have a food affair.
When Ellie is happy and laughs and giggles at me, I smile back, but it feels empty inside sometimes. If she was older and asked to play, I’d probably say, “not now sweetie, maybe later.” I hate that feeling. It’s not like me to feel like that, to do things like that. I’m not a lazy guy, I’m just in a funk. I can feel the irritation circling through my body. It’s like my blood has been poisoned. I miss the sun, but when it’s sunny I get all crabby because it’s TOO bright out. Or it’s too cold out. The other day it was very sunny, but it was a high of nine. NINE! You know, when it’s so cold that the inside of your face freezes as soon as you walk outside. So I usually sit inside wearing my old man cardigan sweater peering through the blinds muttering about how cold and gloomy it is. I thought the snowstorm would add some excitement, but it just made me want to eat pizza, which I did.
If I can manage to get Ellie down for a nap, I watch nice uplifting documentaries on my Netflix like Wisconsin Death Trip or The Remnants of War. But lately Netflix has been all goofed up and doesn’t stream properly. So I usually give up on that and check my e-mail for the thousandth time, or sign on to Facebook again and see who has become really successful in life and wallow. Even though I’m confident that this is where I’m supposed to be right now and that this is the best thing for my family and I’m happy doing it, sometimes my ego has a hard time accepting it.
Is it really the winter? I’ve been doing this for nine months now. Is this the nine months hump? Did I make the right choice? Should I be a captain of industry? Or at least be out there trying? Is staying at home taking the easy way out? Is this how other women feel? Is this how other parents feel?
Don’t worry… It’s alright… I’m okay… I’m just whining… I said I was going to…
matty…every SINGLE thing you mentioned, i feel too….zayna was the EXACT same age as Ellie when she fell in love with her first video….and i felt guilty too at first letting her (and me) indulge in it….but everything in moderation is ok….you know you’ll never be a parent that will let Ellie rot in front of the tv all day….there is nothing wrong with giving yourself a break here and there throughout the day….as for life choices, even though i know (and you know) that what we are doing is best for our family, its hard not to imagine what other (sometimes funner) things we COULD be doing…..but i know you know all this….so go ahead and whine….its good for the soul…=)
Matt, I think I commented once before…I found your blog through a friend, I’m not sure how she found it…but dude, you just wrote my post. What you said about Facebook, yep, me too. I’ve been a stay-at-home-parent for almost 4 years now and I have felt this way every winter, sometimes deep into the spring even. I don’t want to minimalize how you’re feeling, but it is actually really good for me to see your honesty and also to know that men who stay home feel this way too — that I’m not just a crazy, over-emotional woman. I agree with your friend Haniyyah, TV is okay, especially in the winter when it’s cold and dark and lonely. You need a break from the monotony of childcare. Oh, I could go on…but I’ll stop myself. My kids’ TV show is almost over. 🙂
PS read this: http://spikedanielson.blogspot.com/2008/11/winter-downward-spiral.html