Matt Dad Stuff, Sleep, Teeth

DEAR REVERSE TOOTH FAIRY,

What did I ever do to you!?  I’m sick of these games you are playing.  It’s like you are dangling a raw steak in front of a dog.  You are torturing Ellie, and you are antagonizing me.  Did they not teach ethics in fairy school?  I’m not even sure you graduated from Fairy School.  Are you even certified?  Your cousin the Tooth Fairy seems to have a much more effective operation.  Not very profitable, but at least people welcome her.  You on the other hand are a disgrace to all fairies and should be disbarred from the fairy council. Do you think just because you have an official title you can abuse your power and do whatever you want?  What is it that you want?  Your cousin gives money away.  I suppose you want some?  Are you holding Ellie’s two front teeth ransom?  What’s your price?  I’ll gladly pay it, and I’ll even chip in to get you new wings.  Meet me in the alley behind my house tomorrow at midnight.  Come alone.

P.S.  I don’t like you being in my daughter’s room at night.  Whatever you need to do, you can do it just fine during the day in the living room.

Disgruntledly,

Matt

Matt Dad Stuff, Sleep

SQUEAK SQUEAK

We live in an old squeaky house. The floors squeak, the stairs squeak, the doors squeak, even the door knobs squeak. It’s just a squeaky house. I never knew how squeaky it was until we had a sleeping baby in the house. So I’ve made myself an expert at knowing where all the squeaky spots are and how to avoid them. I need to skip certain steps, and tip-toe over others. Now I can maneuver through my house without making a sound as if I were a ninja or a hired assassin. I’m even a master at closing the doors without making any noise. Since I put so much effort in keeping a quiet house when my kid is sleeping, is it too much to ask that the rest of my neighborhood does, too? Continue reading “SQUEAK SQUEAK” →

Matt Dad Stuff, Sleep, Teeth

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS…

my two front teeth… wishes Ellie. And Christmas couldn’t come soon enough this year!

Teething. It’s a crazy thing. Who would have thought that these little bumps that pop through their gums would cause so much pain. It’s like a rite of passage in becoming a toddler. I guess they call them growing pains for a reason. Every kid handles their pain differently, too. Some kids scream and cry non-stop. Some whine all day long. Some don’t sleep and some don’t eat. Either way, they all have to experience it. Continue reading “ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS…” →

Matt Dad Stuff, Sleep

PARTY ALL THE TIME: THE SEQUEL

“My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time…”

I’m really starting to hate this song… Continue reading “PARTY ALL THE TIME: THE SEQUEL” →

Matt Dad Stuff, Sleep

PARTY ALL THE TIME

It’s a cool fall afternoon and I’m going to the Rockefeller Center for a movie shoot. I’m going to be an extra for this movie. No celebrities are around, I’m just excited to be a part of the process. It’s a restaurant scene, waiters are streaming by, people are chatting. Action! The building abruptly starts to shake. I catch a glimpse of “them” in the window. I need to run! It’s happening. The building shakes again. I run upstairs and down the hallway. I enter a room and close the door behind me. “They” are here. I hear the pounding on the door. I’m trapped. I look down on the street. The pounding gets louder, and louder… My eyes open. I hear pounding through the baby monitor. The time is 2:30am. It’s Ellie… She’s awake… “They” got me…

Continue reading “PARTY ALL THE TIME” →