SOMETIMES… AND ALWAYS

Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing a good job.  Am I reading to her enough?  Playing with her enough?  Talking to her enough?  Teaching her enough?  Am I behind on giving her more and interesting foods?  Do I take her out enough?  Do I take her out too much? 

Sometimes I’m embarrassed of being a stay-at-home dad that I play it down when I’m talking to people.  I’m afraid people will judge me and think I’m a failure in the working world.

Sometimes I wonder if Ellie would be better off with her mom being at home.  Is it possible that women are just better at this thing than guys?  Am I just trying too hard just to prove that I can do it?  ALL of the coupons and rewards programs for baby products are marketed towards moms.  Maybe they’re right.  Maybe dads don’t know what they’re doing. 

Sometimes I hate it when my wife helps out around the house with the cleaning and chores because it makes me feel like I’m inadequate because I’m a guy. 

Sometimes I miss the freedom of my life before Ellie so much that it feels crushing. 

Sometimes I’m excited for Monday to arrive because my wife will be gone at work and I will have complete control of my day and routine.  But sometimes the thought of doing everything by myself is completely overwhelming.

Sometimes when I go to my Mom’s to drop Ellie off for the day, I don’t want to leave her.  Partly because I’ll miss her, and partly because I don’t want her to have more fun with Grandma than with me.

Sometimes I get really jealous when Ellie gets so excited when she sees my wife come home or when she sees my mom, but barely reacts when she sees me.

Sometimes I wish that Ellie would go a whole day without pooping just so I could get a break from changing a poop filled diaper.

Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed with worry, guilt, frustration, and anxiety that it’s paralyzing.

Sometimes I feel judged.  It seems some women get judged when they stay at home.  Why on Earth would a guy stay at home?  The looks I get from guys who can’t relate at all to my situation.  The comments from women at the grocery store who assume I’m just “babysitting.”  I feel judgment in their eyes and hear it in their voices.

Sometimes I feel alone.  Like no one really understands me. 

Sometimes I just want to be alone.  With a bag of chips, a burger, a donut, and sit in front of the TV.

Sometimes my mind will wander while I’m driving and thoughts of losing Ellie will enter my mind.  Even though they are imaginary, the thought of losing her is the worst feeling I’ve ever felt.

Sometimes I think too much.

But one thing I do know ALWAYS, is that I love her, my little girl… always.